by Bami | Feb 5, 2021 | Uncategorized
There is no doubt that every loved one of cancer patient starts out with a whole lot of questions, especially when it comes to what your life is supposed to be like in the aftermath of diagnosis. The problem is, without the right answers, people in these shoes throw up their hands and resign themselves to a future of mere survival.
The good news is that here are 5 secrets every loved one of cancer patients needs to know so you can begin the journey to a more fulfilled life.
One thing with we can all agree on is that when it comes to the aftermath of cancer diagnosis, there is a big focus on survival rates, survivor stories and so on. There are concrete reasons why this is the case not least because survival is no mean feat itself given how devastating the impact of cancer can be. Unfortunately, it can be easy for many to lose sight of two things namely: what is meant to be a bus stop becomes a permanent destination for many and the impact on loved ones are not well-understood.
Having been both a loved one as well as a cancer patient myself, I can assure you that a life of mere survival is costly for all impacted by diagnosis. As a loved one, you deserve to know how this concerns you so that you can choose differently.
- Loss of hope of a better life
As a loved one, choosing mere survival keeps you stuck in the mundane routines of supporting the cancer patient through the roller coaster ride of treatment, side effects and medical decisions. Because diagnosis has blown apart your well-laid-out life plans, a sole focus on the practical support and caring duties leaves you without the motivation to see anything better on the horizon. This is a disservice to you, the patient and others around you.
You must believe a better life is possible by acknowledging your current mindset. Then you can take steps to change it.
- Lack of fulfilment in life
Routines and practicalities can only take you so far. At some point, there would be a yearning in your heart for what kind of life you genuinely want. Given that the main part of cancer treatments takes an average between 6 and 12 months; that’s a significant length of time to be getting by especially if you are normally someone who is goal oriented. Before you turn around, you can look back at the last year or so of your life and feel robbed by cancer because you are not living a fulfilled life. That is not a pleasant place to be at all.
Rather than focus on what you have lost, why not explore what you do have within the constraints of your life at present.
- Discouragement
It is critical to remember that the loss of enthusiasm is often something that builds up over time. When the life that you planned is swept aside and you feel out of control, it can initially seem easier to stay practical.
Keeping to the duties that fit within your new normal can give the illusion of taking charge of your own life. However, if you are not excited about the prospect of audacious goals or dreams that you might have had in the past, discouragement has come to pay you a visit. It is up to you how long that visit would be for.
In this instance, it is crucial for you to be vigilant about the impact of discouragement on your wellbeing. Find out whether there are things that you used to enjoy that can give you the mental boost you need. However, if nothing seems to do the trick, it might be a good idea to speak to your GP.
4. Resentment
This is one of the hardest truths to deal with as it challenges you to be honest about your feelings in a way that most people are conditioned to deny or ignore. As a loved one, if you choose survival as your only mode of existence, it is only a matter of time before you start feeling resentful.
Whether you have silenced your desires or chaffing at the extra responsibilities that you now have because of cancer; the negative feelings are not what you would want to admit to. This is because no one likes the guilt or shame that often accompany resentment.
The best way to counteract this one is to be honest with yourself about how you feel. Let us be clear, these feelings do not make you a bad person neither do they mean you love the patient any less. Do not let anyone guilt-trip you for what is a normal human reaction to stressful events.
Photo by Vodimguzhva from Getty Images
5. Regret about missed opportunities
This is perhaps the ultimate cost of being in survival mode, but it often takes a long while to unfold. As I alluded to earlier, cancer treatments and the unpleasant side effects take considerable time. The expending of your most valuable resource in order to support the one you love can be a wonderful or rewarding experience if stewarded well.
Time, however, does not stand still. One of the things that can happen whilst supporting a loved one through cancer is that it can be all-consuming, crowding out every other thing that made your life meaningful. These are things to pay attention to so that you are not full of regrets in the years to come. This can be with respect to the cancer patient OR things that have nothing to do with them.
In looking after a loved one especially with terminal prognosis, do not assume what the other person is thinking. Have the meaningful conversations even if sometimes uncomfortable. In years to come, you would be glad that nothing important was left unsaid.
As much as you possibly can, make time for other nurturing relationships in your life. By this I mean, good friends and activities that bring you joy. Even if you are a full-time caregiver of a patient, it is okay for you to have a breather for a couple of hours per day. That would ease the pressure on your mental wellbeing as well as ensure you do not later harbour regrets for missed opportunities.
You deserve to live well as a loved one. Do not let circumstances rob you of that.
By the way, if you want a whole lot more about moving beyond survival, subscribe to the Be Inspired Newsletter Community. When you join, you will receive a free eBook: 7 ways to know you are and survival mode and what to do about it.
Find out more at: www.inspiredtosoar.co.uk
by Bami | Jan 6, 2021 | Uncategorized
Given the trajectory of 2020, majority of people were keen for the year to end for well-justified reasons. The chaos that the Covid-19 pandemic threw our world into was of the kind of magnitude we never expected.
For those impacted by cancer, it was a double whammy of stress that led to later diagnoses, disrupted treatments and isolation. The start of this year is has been welcomed with cautious optimism and hope of better living conditions as well as restoration of some of the things we took for granted.
Indeed, 2021 is a fresh canvas, a new beginning for all.
The truth though is that in similar ways to years gone by, wishful thinking is of no use to anyone. There needs to be planning backed by the right mindset if this would be a fulfilling new year.
No matter how cancer has impacted your life or that of a loved one; a satisfying life is one that you make room for not only with words but with reciprocal action too.
Sunrise by Jessica Ruscello – Unsplash
Here are a few pointers that are crucial if you want 2021 to be the kind of life that you desire:
- The power of a positive mindset
No matter where you are in your cancer new normal, it is important to know that the past is a place to learn from not where to put your focus. Despite the prognosis, treatment journey or mishaps in times past; 2021 offers a clean slate. You get to write on it what you genuinely want, and this begins with the kind of mindset you choose daily. Whilst you might have no control over some parts of the clinical journey, the thoughts you dwell upon as well as what you feed on are entirely your choice. I can tell you from experience that even in the darkest of times when I was faced with the loss of a loved one, that still holds true. My choice to recognise that it was a process that I can get journey through well with support was a game-changer
- The importance of a plan for fulfilment
What represents fulfilment and a satisfactory life varies from one person to the next. It is important for you to know what matters to you and write it down. You might be wondering why this is necessary after all, you might have seemingly simple wishes. As you have already figured out by now, the cancer journey is neither predictable nor fair whatever the measure you choose.
Your resolve to be positive, strong and hopeful would be tested to the limits. Not all days would be like that though. Be wise with the times when you are in a good space mentally and emotionally. Those are the moments to think carefully about what kind of future you want and steps you can take to get there. For example, if creating special memories with your loved ones matter to you, then make plans to do something about it. In these days of restrictions or lockdown, that might be a Zoom party to connect with your loved ones. The important thing is to start with what you have rather than bemoan what you do not.
- The place of self-care
Have you ever wondered why there are so many reminders for self-care including this current one? A Google search for the word would yield enough results to make your head spin. Here is the crux of the matter, in times of crisis, prioritising every aspect of your wellbeing often drops off the priority list due to other things competing for your attention. Physical health is given prime attention as it is seen as the most important one to address. That is a grievous mistake to make. Mental, emotional and psychological wellbeing are just as important – after all a deficit in any of those areas harms physical health too.
Tomatoes by Max Delsid Unsplash
As you make plans to look after your physical health, make concrete plans to nurture other parts of your wellbeing as they all form part of the whole you. The reality of mental and emotional health struggles after diagnosis is very real. No one is exempt – whether you are a patient, ex-patient or loved one; look after yourself and do not be ashamed to ask for help if you need to. My favourite mantra is “asking for help is a sign of strength not of weakness”.
Be it professional help or your closest and dearest; find those with empathy to support you along the journey. That would lighten the load and help you to treasure the new beginning that each day in 2021 gives you. And so, you should because it is a precious gift indeed.
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by Bami | May 5, 2020 | Uncategorized
Deep within every human being is the desire to soar above the battles of life. In other words, each person wants to live a victorious life regardless of the challenges they face. Difficult seasons be they long or short can be so intense that you want to run away or avoid the pain as much as you possibly can. In the case of this Covid-19 pandemic, there is no escaping the disruption and impact on our daily existence.
The expectation that life will go back to what it used to be isn’t just unrealistic. It is a recipe for disappointment. Life as we all know it has changed.
This is the new normal.
You might be wondering why momentum matters with so much uncertainty ahead.
Given the changes that you have already experienced, it is crucial to remember that time doesn’t stand still whether you are in lockdown or not. The clock is always ticking as long as you are alive. Whilst there are things outside of your control, why not focus on what you can actually take charge of right now.
By this I mean your attitude and actions. The two go together hand in hand.
There is no doubt that at some point over the last couple of months, you have felt battered in some way be it personally or indirectly through the impact of Covid-19.
In order to build momentum, it is necessary to strengthen your wings that have taken a hit in this season. Ironically, difficult seasons provide the best opportunities to do just that in readiness for you to soar. You’re probably wondering what I’m on about and whether I have any idea how dire your situation has been.
The truth is, I don’t know what it’s like to walk in your shoes. I do however know that, there is still a very small part of your heart that is reserved for soaring in order to fulfil some long-buried dreams.
You might not have any control over what life throws at you but you get to choose how you go through the journey. This is a not-to-be-missed opportunity of a lifetime if only you can embrace hope.
I have a few tips on how you can strengthen your wings right where you are
- Embrace the struggles and the pain
The daily grind of challenges often come with struggles and pain that you want to do your best to avoid or minimise. In terms of physical pain, there might be remedies or strategies that you have to take on board which goes against the grain as far as you are concerned.
Rather than protesting and chaffing at the hands that you have been dealt; do what is needful so that you can re-build your stamina as much as is feasible within your situation.
An example of this might be having to spend weeks or months resting when previously you are used to being constantly active. It is interesting that people who are super-productive often make the worst patients.
With respect to emotional and psychological pain; it is easier to put on a mask, pretending that things are progressing as they should. If you are like most, the outpouring of emotion and distress feels very uncomfortable.
Male or female, young or old, suppressing emotional pain only leads to more problems that will eventually trip you up when you least expect it. Don’t buy into the lie that the length of your recovery must follow a textbook pattern and time frame. Be honest with yourself and those around you.
PLEASE ASK FOR HELP IF YOU NEED IT!
It is a sign of strength not a weakness.
- Maintain a pleasant and grateful attitude
It can be challenging to maintain a good disposition at this time. Right now around you, it might seem that it doesn’t just rain, it pours. As much as possible though, it is important not to harbour resentment, bitterness, unrelenting anger or envy. Otherwise, the negative feelings within you become a poison that spreads toxicity around you.
Even though it might seem that your pain is unrelenting especially in the case of losing loved ones. It is important that even in grief, you hold on to the precious memories of the deceased. In that way, you can be grateful that you had the gift of those treasures that are now yours for keeps.
It is important to express your feelings but not be ruled by them. This is not something that can be achieved speedily or by magic. You have to be intentional about it. You might find it useful to have truth-tellers who love you around to be like your mirror from time to time.
- Encourage or help someone else
No matter what has happened to you or what you’re currently going through; you can help or encourage someone else. You probably wonder whether this tip has any basis in reality as you view yourself needing help and support at present.
Don’t belittle the lessons of your tough seasons be they present or in the past. On reflection, there are things that you might be able to teach someone or ways that you can encourage because of where you have been.
Helping or encouraging others does not have to be complicated. It can be as simple as picking up the phone to call or text someone to share strengthening experiences. In these days of social distancing, that can be a lifeline to the recipient. When you decide to serve others during your own trials; it has the effect of temporarily shifting your gaze from your own troubles. That in turn gives you a breather in the middle of your own journey – strength for tomorrow.
Note of caution: I am not suggesting that you neglect looking after yourself or take on board more than what you know you can handle. You know what your personal limits are. You also need to be wise regarding the kind of person you choose to have around you.
Don’t wait around while life is passing you by.
Be inspired to soar.
