The grief journey: five years on
Treasured memories
Exactly 5 years ago, I ran out of time with one of the most important people in my life – my big sister, Titi. Losing her to metastatic breast cancer rocked our world as a family.
For me personally, losing her was the biggest fear I had because I simply couldn’t see through to a future without her. When the very thing you feared the most happens, it forces you to dig deep within to find out what anchors you. My faith in God was what ensured I was tethered to hope even in those early dark days. I knew there was no use pretending that I could handle my raging emotions on my own. Therapeutic support through Maggie’s Cancer Centres and a strong community were my lifelines.
Over these few years, I have learnt so much about myself, others and what I am truly made of. This was not my first rodeo with family loss – having lost my mum at the age of 17 – but this hit differently as it came at a time of deciding to stop hiding my light.
I have written before about grief being the unwanted permanent lodger. The immediacy of loss is one of the dark threads woven into the tapestry of life. One thing I have come to realise though is that interwoven with the dark are also bright threads – these together show off the beauty of the whole picture over time. Cancer is a rogue for certain, one I wished had never touched my life and that of my family in any way. However, accepting what I had no control over has made clear that there are things I have the power to change.
I am choosing to make a positive difference daily. Whether this is speaking on behalf of patients who cannot speak for themselves; teaching medical professionals, helping women thrive after cancer, facilitating open conversations in my community or tackling health inequities head on – I am taking ownership of my response.
To be very clear, the pain of loss is one that I would always carry with me but I can smile through my tears, grateful for the laughter, joy and beautiful memories – treasures that are now mine for keeps.
Today, I get the opportunity to share my story and lessons with healthcare professionals on the Understanding Cancer Care Module at Cardiff University. The title of my talk is: “I am here to make things better”.
To me, this is a fitting tribute to both my sister and mum, ensuring that the experiences and outcomes of other cancer patients are improved.
That is a privilege I don’t take lightly at all.
Not a day goes by that I don’t miss Titi.
Indeed, she would never be forgotten. My first book, Navigating Your New is dedicated to her.
Get your copy at https://amzn.to/3IDV3GV
If your life has been touched by grief especially as a result of cancer, know that you don’t have to suffer in silence. Get help and support as often as you need through the messy process. How you deal with the pain of loss is not prescriptive – it is unique to you. Avoid the pitfall of comparing your journey to that of someone else. With a supportive community around you, the pain would ease in time.
Breathe and take one day at a time.
You’ve got this.